The Past

Since young, I never fail to create an arrogant first impression to most people.
I'm indeed, very disappointed at the beginning. Pardon me. Yes, I hate it when this assumption was made.

How did I face this scenario? Initially, I had the intention to make explanation whenever people whom I first met tell me that I looked 'cool'. However, I was and I am still a young lass who hates routine, thus, I decided to shake it off.

This is because I can't change the structure of my face nor my expression. So, I decided to go along with it.
How?
Firstly, of course, being ignorant to people who point their fingers at me or tell me that I'm damn chesty.
Secondly, be even proud of having the face that I was born with.

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One of my old buddies called up few days ago. We talked and we laughed our hearts out upon reminiscing the old time.
He asked about my previous relationship as well. He said I was tough because I don't seem to portray a single piece of sadness through my expression.

Well, a typical question from him would be :" Do you have a boyfriend now ?"
Before I answer his question, he reminded me that I'd better be careful because I have went through several unsuccessful relationships, subsequently.
Unfruitful relationships, probably due to:
I may have met with a right person at the wrongest time or
I may have met with a wrong person at the right time.
I did not rant about anyone, it is 'me' that I feel disappoint with.

I don't want to talk about the right person or the wrong person or whatever or whoever that is. This is because when I reminiscent about those days, the assumption made by adults were unusually true.

I think I've wasted time for otiose undertakings that can never be undone. Like anticipation of the phone calls, dates, presents and go ga-ga about how he loved me. I've neglected my studies for people who did not cherish my love towards them. I know it ain't about the fairness and equality like, you will be loved as long as you love someone whole-heartedly. Heck cares.

I've forgotten what I'd actually told my buddy through the phone, but I remember I said that I will never want my shredded heart to experienced the same thing over and over again. Thankfully, the sweet relationship did not last for years. A quarter of a year was more than enough though.

Dear mommy, buddies, thank you for making the effort to build my self-esteem and confidence, by lending me your ears and shoulders, and wiping off my tears when I felt cheated. I couldn't be tough and strong enough to face myself if it wasn't because of you. I felt being cheated because, for all the false perception that I had gave on particular someone and exceeded the greatest limitation of my tolerance, a way of loving him, I thought. Or maybe, it was due to the delusive hopes and promises from him. Loser am I.

Where are thou ?

or

Where's thyself ?

I choose the latter because I want to befriend with my thoughts and every little tiny bits of me. The effort of understanding me, myself and I, hope it turns up brightly.

I want happiness to be mine.

Till then. muah.

Heart You.

Living away from home jeopardized my life. One of my friends asked me:" How would you survive if you were to be miles and miles away, across the oceans and lands to further your studies ?"
My answer was, "I don't know."

There are too much of dissatisfactions, and discomfort;
living under one roof with a bunch of strangers is awfully difficult.

It's like a routine, I will be staying over at my friend's crib at least once a week. Credit goes to Kenneth because he's the one who picks me up.Before I realize, it's already the 10th week of my first semester of degree. I'm scared, insecure and prayers do not seem to calm me.

Dearest peeps, so much so that I hope I could bump into yous somewhere, so that you could tell me I'm still as tough as the one you use to see.

Yesterday was disastrous. Mommy's handbag got snatched by a "motorcyclist".
I would rather my bag got snatch instead of mommy because her left arms got bruises and scratches.
I felt so bad, I kept blaming myself for not being protective enough.

The incident happened at USJ 9, in front of Vietnam Kitchen and Nam Heong Chicken Rice.
Happily walking out from Vietnam Kitchen to get the car and then pufffff, the big fat snatch thieve just grabbed my mom's bag and ran. I still able to call Citibank to freeze her Master card and bring mommy to the nearest police station for police report.

I got damn pissed off with the police officers and sergeant. But I know this is one of the specialties of our "beloved" country and minus the bits that they have different skin color as me. I felt so content as I teased the sergeant. Well done aight. =p
I am used to the environment of police station and how to talk to those pigs. Why? Thanks to the inhuman creature back in foundation semester 1.

Then, I drove back to Setapak and unload my stuff. It was already near to midnight. Parents and sister went back and then, I burst into tears.

Heartache and disappointment. Indeed.

I Heart you my mommy. I love all of you.
I Heart you my daddy. Happy Birthday. = )
Although I don't get to celebrate with you, and yesterday's dinner ended up with the unexpected incident, but I hope daddy has an enjoyable and blessed birthday.
I Heart you my sister. The cheeky one.
Take care of your studies and mommy daddy.

I will take good care of myself. No worries ya.
I have buddies around here who could still lent me a hand when I need.

Shu shu, I heart you too.
So nice of you to send me a card from Malacca.
"Waddle I do without you?"
It simply applies on me too. = )
Hope that you are fine with everything.

Till then. *muah*

p/s: this post is written on 30th of July 2007.

I'm Strucked

I saw this phrase from my lecturer's msn personal message, and it just strucked me. Deep down.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength;
loving someone deeply gives you courage."

I was in this euphoria. I was having faith in him, or us I should say.

He gave me all the strength that I need. All I thought was, as long as he keeps loving me, no matter how harsh or mundane this reality could be, I will still have the courage to face it.

Loving someone is not difficult afterall. Maybe.
There aren't duplicated "you", "him", "her" and etc.... everyone is different. The difference is what makes us special and unique aight ?

I'm hooked to one of the Carrie Underwood's song: Lesson Learned.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

Perhaps I shouldn't have taken it as a lesson, guess it should be taken as an experience. For someone who came across my life, and then left me behind with some footprints.

PepsiCola CocaCola

Dear peeps, do you still remember the days when

• we had to hold a cup of water and brush our teeth at an open area ? like near a drain at our primary school's canteen ? and have nurses (which were still under probation) to check on our milk-teeth ?

• we had mihun soup, "chee cheong fun", curry mee, bread, cloud-nine chocolatez, nuggets and fries in less than RM 1 and a cup of orange juice can be easily obtained by spending 20 cents ?

• and well, those who had more than RM 1 during lower primary were considered "spoilt-brat", "high-classed people".

• we had fun during year-end, when we'd finished our finals.probably all-time-favourite for those who were "hardcore-players": playing "family-cards", UNO, monopoly, batu seremban, rubbers, wasting our exercise books for drawing and playing games, tearing papers to be folded into small pieces and used them for lastik with rubber bands ?

• we had fun so much fun during recess, well, weather played the most important role. skipping rope, pepsi-cola-ing (stepping each others' shoes and ended up being chased by rottan back at home), chasing after one another plainly for fun, bottlecaps and *drumrolls* ---- guli aka "da ho li" ?

• and not forgetting the Pendidikan Jasmani period. wearing PE shirt and start playing basketball like slam dunk, badminton and etc like a P.R.O. ?

• we had strips on palm/palms when we'd forgotten what should be done. esp when its 007 from Khe Beng primary ?
  

• we had those junk-food and ice-cream tubes (ice with colouring to-be-exact), where we usually bite it off from the top and glup it down ? for me, purple tasted the B.E.S.T. *slurp*

• we had those marvellous time for competing each another to finish up the writing exercise. chinese school kids, got what i meant ? *smirk*

• well, about homework. fui-yoh. procrastinated until homeworks were piling up.

Back then, we were innocent, simply adorable and the life that we lived were awesome.

• we don't use sms, because hp wasn't obtainable. It was not invented into a compact size. we called each other from house phones, would be either asking for homeworks and mostly, yeah, we asked for homeworks. and ended up chit-chatting.

• we shake our heads when we heard about kids getting way pampared by their parents by now. the R.E.A.L. spoilt-brats. and sighing we weren't as lucky as them.

Dearests, I know you are now smilling widely at your faces and within your hearts because all of the above mentioned, are the moments that we had.

We miss the days, don't you ?

Equanimity

.::~*Pieces of Min*~::.
Semester break has just started.
I've gone through my one-year Foundation in Science programme.Finally.
I have been longing for holidays, and undeniably, I will be craving for more by the end of the semester break.
The reason is simple, I'm reluctant to leave home.

I was longing for holidays, been imagining how much fun I would have during this period of time: spending quality moments with family, love ones and dearest friends.
Simply, T.H.O.U.G.H.T.S

Look back at my post's title, it seems unfamiliar. This is because I'd never realize this. I was always, being selfish.
When I'm in a bad mood, don't come near me. I might backfire you.
When I'm like a piece of shit, don't come near me either. I might throw my tantrum on you and make you a boxing-pad.

The term: equanimity.
It takes forever for me to learn it.
Steadiness of mind, even under stress and pressure.
I can't. Could you do this ?
Let's have a look at my previous post in friendster's blog:
.::Click here::.

And another question... love or infatuation ?
I can't answer this.
and I am sure no one has the answer for me.


p/s: this blog is still under construction, as my mind and heart are constructing from pieces. dearests, hope all of you bear with it first k.