The Past

Since young, I never fail to create an arrogant first impression to most people.
I'm indeed, very disappointed at the beginning. Pardon me. Yes, I hate it when this assumption was made.

How did I face this scenario? Initially, I had the intention to make explanation whenever people whom I first met tell me that I looked 'cool'. However, I was and I am still a young lass who hates routine, thus, I decided to shake it off.

This is because I can't change the structure of my face nor my expression. So, I decided to go along with it.
How?
Firstly, of course, being ignorant to people who point their fingers at me or tell me that I'm damn chesty.
Secondly, be even proud of having the face that I was born with.

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One of my old buddies called up few days ago. We talked and we laughed our hearts out upon reminiscing the old time.
He asked about my previous relationship as well. He said I was tough because I don't seem to portray a single piece of sadness through my expression.

Well, a typical question from him would be :" Do you have a boyfriend now ?"
Before I answer his question, he reminded me that I'd better be careful because I have went through several unsuccessful relationships, subsequently.
Unfruitful relationships, probably due to:
I may have met with a right person at the wrongest time or
I may have met with a wrong person at the right time.
I did not rant about anyone, it is 'me' that I feel disappoint with.

I don't want to talk about the right person or the wrong person or whatever or whoever that is. This is because when I reminiscent about those days, the assumption made by adults were unusually true.

I think I've wasted time for otiose undertakings that can never be undone. Like anticipation of the phone calls, dates, presents and go ga-ga about how he loved me. I've neglected my studies for people who did not cherish my love towards them. I know it ain't about the fairness and equality like, you will be loved as long as you love someone whole-heartedly. Heck cares.

I've forgotten what I'd actually told my buddy through the phone, but I remember I said that I will never want my shredded heart to experienced the same thing over and over again. Thankfully, the sweet relationship did not last for years. A quarter of a year was more than enough though.

Dear mommy, buddies, thank you for making the effort to build my self-esteem and confidence, by lending me your ears and shoulders, and wiping off my tears when I felt cheated. I couldn't be tough and strong enough to face myself if it wasn't because of you. I felt being cheated because, for all the false perception that I had gave on particular someone and exceeded the greatest limitation of my tolerance, a way of loving him, I thought. Or maybe, it was due to the delusive hopes and promises from him. Loser am I.

Where are thou ?

or

Where's thyself ?

I choose the latter because I want to befriend with my thoughts and every little tiny bits of me. The effort of understanding me, myself and I, hope it turns up brightly.

I want happiness to be mine.

Till then. muah.